___..hEaVeN's wiNgz..__

Saturday, February 26, 2005

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oh what a day.. i went to ust to get a another copy of that stupid visual basic program and also to meet with my sTaR... i arrived there at past 10 in the morning and i waited for him and irish until i rot....... lol ;p!! irish arrived around quarter to 12 and my `iveRson` at around 12:20... but i forgave them.. iveRson texted me since this morning and we had fun chatting with each other as i wait for him.. by the way it's not his fault to be late., when he was near the school already, he asked me if i wanted a chocolate.. snickers or m&m`s... then i said whatever.... as soon as he arrived, he gave me the m&m's chocolate.. i was glad and the long wait was quite worth it coz he was very sweet with me (like he's not like that?!)... hahaha.. i miss him already... my maSteR.... but it's ok., i have a lot of project yet to think about anyway.... i'm just glad that iveRson made me happy today.. i love that guy but not too much anymore... even though i know that he and neKo aren't a couple anymore.... i really don't care much anymore.. i don't know what's going on with me.......... i hate myself.. :(

Feel the tears..|5:36 AM|

Thursday, February 24, 2005

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-- 'Tatooed on my mind'.. -- ohh great... just the rightfully perfect song for my situation since last friday.... damn... i really can't stop thinking about him.. his voice.... his laugh.... his eyes.... his moves.... his every word.... the way he raises his hand holding his handkerchief.... the way he dances particularly infront of me.... the way he talk.... his touch.... the way he walks and stands.... his cute gestures and ways.... the way he sings.... the way he plays the guitar.... and specially,, his smile.... his billion dollar smile!! i just can't forget about all the things about him!!!! he's cripping his way inside my heart to my soul!!!! i don't know what to do., this is not even right. . . . i can't like LIKE him and more so LOVE him!! and.. and... i hate myself for this,.. i am not even ready for this.... this feeling i am currently battling with. . . . it just happened.. the extreme.. the `what more can you ask for` caption i see whenever i lay eyes on him..... i blame myself for not seeing all this for the past 2 and a half years,,.. maybe because i forbade myself from opening my eyes to him. . i look up to him .. i mean i look up to him with great respect considering the fact that i call him my `teacher`.... my `master idol teacher guru` and `sensei` all in one. . . . . . i cannot let myself be drawn to him in a romantic way coz. . . coz. . . . oh i don't know for what reason but i still feel that this emotion that i have for him is wrong..... simply and plainly WRONG!!! Specially with the fact that he is one of my closest guy friends.. and that we have spent the 3 years of our highschool lives just being pals and.. and that we have a very unique relationship coz we understand each other and accepted each other just for who we really are . . . and that we don't have to pretend with each others presence..

He has seen every single embarassing moments i had gone through.. i have seen his corniest side and his extreme sides... his down moments and happy days.. his funny and embarassing moments too... we have seen each others good and bad attitudes and we became very close coz of that.. we understood each other and liked each other since then. . . there's no discrimination or hard feelings between us since the first day we met.... we joke with each other,, get annoyed with each other or even get mad once,, insulted each other playfully... (we don't mind at all even if we degrade each other coz we know it's just a joke..),, i even remember his first insult to me.. that's when he said to me after i kid around on our first practice day in 2nd year hs, "francyn, isa pa nga.. mukang kang penguin! (francyn, can you do that again coz you look like a penguin!)".. i really didn't mind that comment from him that time but i never forget it... it was a happy memory coz that was the start of a very good and lasting friendship,, we have insulted others together secretly,, we have seen each other cry and consoled one anothe,, we have seen each others down-bad-worst days and goody-happy-jiggy days,, we spank each other everytime we cross each others paths and as we laugh around,, he slaps me at the back or at the biceps and i slap/punch him back,, he pinches me, i pinch him too,, he laughs at me histerically whenever i make a wrong move, accident or trip myself and then i'll look at him heavily and then we both laugh hard together.... he makes fun of me,, i make fun of him twice then he'll do it thrice... it's just a trading process (it's just that there is added tax for every move..),, we sing together and laugh if one of us is out of tune ,, he dances and so do i.. infact,, that's the reason he became my so called `teacher` because he teaches different moves in crip walking.. (he's the master you know.. and he's really cool!! gadsh!)... he taught me to dance and he taught me very well.... it started coz he was impressed when i got the move he was doing and well,, started teaching me more!!

He's a very kind and generous person.. he's never selfish... he gives me his food even if i don't ask for it.. (of course i don't accept coz he needs to eat too aight?! i he has a lot,, i get just a piece...),, i ask for his prom pic once last year and instantly at that very moment he gives me an original copy.. same this year!!! (he loves me you know?!. . . .oh come on!!! haha. .) what i drink he drinks.. if he asks or whenever i offer him something,, i give him whole heartedly! ,, we help each other in every way and understand each other whenever we can't do something for one another.. we share the same interests and thoughts. . . i can even call him my soulmate if i want to.... i placed his picture in my friendster photos even if i didn't ask for his permission initially and he doesn't mind when i told him.. (by the way he has deleted his account.. i'm quite disappointed though. .) we never forget each other.. the fact is that i was the only one in our group of girl friends of his (close and not) that he invited for his birthday celebration-2004 at home and none of them got invited... (unfortunatelly i can't go that time.. too bad....) he tells me his past - present - future stories and i never get tired of them and so does he to mine., he tells me secrets that he keeps from others coz he trusts me.. (so much!!) and tell him mine also.... he narrates his love stories to me and shows me his past and present girlfriends and tells me their autobiographies in order for me to know them and at least judge them if they're ok or just for no reason at all.., he's a quiet person and i'm a noisy person.. (so what?! opposites attract anyway right?!) but sometimes i get really quiet... i really like peace and quiet but not too much.., i text him a long message and he replies a one liner.. (i like it so i save it!),, he treats me for food and i treat him for goods and services!,, we never lied to each other as far as i remember.., he protects and defends me and i defend him and even cover up for him sometimes.. he stands up for me and i do the same. . . . whenever i have a favor to ask from him he never lets me down (except when he really can't do it and that's ok. .).... i do my best to help him when he needs my help.. he keeps his word in every way and that is one of nicest characteristics. .

He's a very talented person too. . he is an excellent crip and break dancer. . . an outstanding and the very best basketball player. . . . and a very good guitarist with an acceptable lovingly sweet and relaxing voice whenever he sings. . he's the person who has the biggest heart that i have ever known. . . a very sweet, sincere and thoughtful person who will protect and love you to the ends of the Earth. . and he's very true to himself and to other people. . . . he's the most humble person i ever met coz even if he is rich and has the guts to do the things which are really meant for him to do and to be considering his status in the society and school and outside,, you'll never see neither hear him brag about it! he's very down to earth and hates discrimination or hurting others. . he's even the first one to say sorry even if it's not his fault!! he's a very firm and may i say demure?! person. . . he has a high quality of breeding and he loves his family very much. . quite religious in some way and also he knows the line between seriousness and jokeness. . . very versatile, friendly and also. . my friend is a very effective chick magnet!!!! :P

This is how our friendship works.. how it grew from a simple insulting joke to a very deep closeness and i'm happy and contented with that... my relationship with him is very valuable and larger than life to me that's why i'm afraid.. yes.... AFRAID to ruin everything for just a simple burst of emotions. . . . . i don't want to be away from him., our friendship is genuine so i am having second third and to the nth power thoughts about this thing i have for him that i just realized last friday at the final hs dance we'll attend to. . . i don't understand why i didn't realize this earlier. . that i know him very well and that we already have a novel of experiences together or even apart that includes each other.... i never realized that since the 1st day in 2nd year hs.. i was in love with him and i never knew about it in almost 3 years!!!! but one thing is for sure. . . i really and honestly don't regret the things that happend and didn't happen in the past. . my very late realization most specially because that's the reason why we became very close in the first place. . . . . we became special to each other and loved each other without realizing,, i'm just glad that i didn't know about this feeling earlier coz i had,, i'll never be as close to him, his heart and his soul as i am now.... coz whenever i know i have something for a certain person,, i tend to move away and place a very high barrier between us because i'm afraid in such a way that it hurts me. . . . but now,, i'm afraid but contented with what i have.. and the best part is,, i can tell him everything i want to tell him even if they're mushy coz he'll never suspect a thing because he knows i'm a really loving person and i'm open about it... ~(^-^~) ™

Feel the tears..|9:40 AM|